Days before the Clincal School

I haven’t felt so genuinely happy for some time…

I guess I have too few genuine friends. It's very difficult for a friendship to blossom when both parties live thousands of miles apart from each other. However, I really do cherish the very few who cares about me.

I know, for certain, that someday in future, each of them will get attached and have a world of their own.

Hence, it really pains me to think of the possibility that I'll be left alone and lonely, with suicidal thoughts invading my mind subsequently.

I'm a person who can hardly survive without a partner. I'm worried that I'll become lonelier and be forgotten as I age. I've never really had a successful relationship in my entire life. I don't know what I've been doing for the past 20 years. For as long as I can remember, I've been trying to keep myself alive in a highly competitive learning environment in which everyone wants to outshine the rest.

The Clincial School is starting soon. I feel helpless and worried. The academic pressure I'd be facing, somehow, will help in numbing and anaesthetizing me to all these pessimistic thoughts. But then, the effect is not permanent. Many a time, I'm soaked in fear, not knowing where my life leads to and what the future holds for me. And the something bigger and tragic *****.. has yet to come. Aih. I really don't know how to deal with this sort of calamity that's imminent and bound to happen.

My life isn't perfect. With all the challenges and hurdles. Sometimes, I feel very discontented.
Disgruntled. Lonely. And demoralized.

But then, I always convince myself to extirpate these negative thoughts from my mind and enjoy the remnant of my university life.

It’s just not easy to live , alone.